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The wind reminds me that change is coming. The moon whispers goodbye and the clamor of the street hates me tonight, but I refuse to cry. I spoke many words today, each one was a lie. When I tried to tell the truth, she began to cry. I couldn’t stand her pain, knowing it was my only gift to her. And all I could think about was the way she smiled at the other man today. The way she laughed, and touched her hair, and made excuses to reach out and touch him. She knew I was watching. She was testing me. But she didn’t expect this, now, here, with the windows open and the cacophony of the devout dancing in the streets below us and blowing their ridiculous pipes and horns and shouting “Morya” with more rage and anger than devotion. I wonder if they realize that their god cannot hear them tonight. Tonight is when he’s turned away. That was unworthy of me. This day was unworthy of me. Rather I am unworthy of this day, and all the ones that came before this.
“You don’t love me?” she whispers, standing under the windchime and the flicker of the lights from across the street spying on us from between the swaying fronds of the palm trees.
“I never did.”
“Yes you did. You said so.”
“A man will say anything to get what he wants.”
“And did you get what you wanted?”
“No. I got disappointment, and this night. That’s what I got.”
“Why are you saying these things to me?” She shouts this, not because she’s angry at me. But because she knows I’m angry at her, and I have reason. She wants another. I hate for that. But I hate her more for wanting me to be angry at her for it. I refuse. He can have her.
I turn away to make some tea. She follows me into the kitchen. I say nothing, she says less. Just stands there under the disgusting white light in my kitchen wall, the one that makes me look like a ghoul in the reflections, but somehow she still looks like an angel. That, I hate her for, deeply.
She stands there, looking like something cast down from heaven, with my heart at her feet which she’s trying to put together again and she starts to cry. They say there’s nothing that can withstand the force of a woman’s tears. I want to disagree, and I try, but I can’t. Neither can I give in. I rip open the tea bags and stir the leaves into a gentle vortex. She sobs, I stir, she sniffs, I stir, she stifles, and I keep stirring. She stops.
When I turn around she is no longer the weeping angel. When I turn around she is smiling. And that is what finally lances through my pain, and my hurt, and my insecurities, right into my bleeding heart. It’s how she trapped me that first time. But her first smile was an invitation. This one is for malice. This is the smile that says she’s leaving me.
I’m left standing in my kitchen, under the white light besieged by moths, and two cups of tea in my hands. She doesn’t bother to shut the door behind her.
Hi! thanks for the post. It is very well written, I felt like I was a fly on the wall observing the goings on between the man and woman. Thanks again. Enjoy!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]a door thats left open is probably a purpose of God, let the things u desire-u deserve and let them come in through the same door …..stream forth and leave u wid a bliss full life ( my wish for u 2nite, prayers and love energy )
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Saw the movie Arunji! U were fabulous! Really… it was awesome! All the best for future ventures…
Luv the way you have described that white light in this post… imagination is really a gift… and being able to put it in words is an even bigger gift…
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Movie was good..You were looking great..Bollywood is gifted by a star now..I liked your dialogue delivery too.Good voice modulation..Keep up the good work..
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Hey Arunoday,
Hey buddy,
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I currently live in Toronto but initially from Bombay (Juhu) .I truly admire your writing skills and the way you convey your feeling and thoughts in your Blog towards your audience…I really like the idea when u write your thought through sticktoitiveness.One thing is for sure…the readers have really embraced you. Now coming back to some Q & A ..just want to know more of you…Sudhir Mishra produced the movie…(acommendable director) Piyush Jha directed the movie….A+ actors in the movie + you are a new comer with outstanding ability. Just one thing that’s bothering me after reading your blog is that ur a leader not a follower….In your blog you always say lets Go…dont wait….Its like saying comparing u to Tom Hanks character in Saving private ryan. (I don’t want u one Cloud 9..:-)… Coming back to the Q….you were a integral part of the film but still there was no interview telecasted for U ?…second i searched your movie on youtube we see who are coming for the premier plus all the interview of cast and crew excluding you…Why?….I am not your Friend/cousin/Family..but just a well wisher…and i fell really bad that a man with so high calibre in literature and decent acting skills is not getting publicity….Since you are into the Hot seat only u can explain…Once again Nice reading your Blog….”its really a eye opener and something to learn”….
Best wishes dude..
new to bigadda..didnt know u blog..and how.Its good readable stuff
[ REPORT ABUSE ]hi arun,hows life after sikander.You did look lethal.thanks for writng this well written story.very crisp style.Ithink this suavity comes so naturally to you.keep writing for us your diehard literary fans.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]nice thoughts, warm memories.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]From the reponses I see you are a movie star. Wow. I didn’t even know that , the nerd that I am in such areas.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]But the way you’ve written and what you’ve written is sooo moving and vivid, it’s like I was there witnessing it all. It’s been so authentic and real. It touched a deep chord inside and I can tell there’s a very sensitive writer lurking inside that glitzy and glamorous packaging that you have wear at all times.
If and when you retire from the make-believe world of celluloid dreams I’d like to see you emerge as a full time writer. There’s a whole world waiting for you there.
this one is my fav,i like reading it again and again,it comes straight from heart,good work arunoday…
[ REPORT ABUSE ]very versatile…..writer,actor,….and looker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]its really a nice work..
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I gather from the responses that you are an actor. which one, I still don’t know. Forgive me for my naivety. But what I know is that you write so wonderfully well and its all so crisp yet never misses a thing.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]