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She told me that her favorite song was “Again” by Lenny Kravitz. Her voice was a soft whisper in my ear, and her body a softer one beside mine, separated only by the arm of one chair and every fear that glistened in her eyes. We were both high on more than weed, and we were both exhausted, and we weren’t alone, but we might as well have been. The laughter of the other’s around us, their jokes and their back-slapping camaraderie merely added to our isolation. They were no different than the moon flitting in and out of the swaying branches of the trees above, and the moths and the candles locked in their deadly tango. The night it seemed, and all its children were there for us, and for us alone.
Or at least, it was so in my mind.
Now it’s the following day and I’m listening to the song, again and again. “All of my life, where have you been? I wonder if I’ll, ever see you again. And if that day comes, I know we could win. I wonder if I’ll, ever see you again.” And I wonder about a girl who could love those lines so much. Where every pleasure was deferred, every wish was killed by negativity before it could ever take flesh. The search for the perfect love, the finding of it, only to cast it back into the wind hoping life and destiny and chance bring it back into your arms again. It’s a great song, but a sad one. How you can meet someone completely amazing and yet you can let them pass you by without saying…anything. Then you wonder why you never meet anyone truly amazing. How could I have let last night pass me by without fulfilling it’s promise? How could I have been so stupid?
I wanted her that night, from mind to body, follicle to toenail, but I did nothing. And she wanted me, inexplicably to her and to me, and hesitantly for sure because she didn’t trust that part of herself that was drawn to me, and she trusted the world not at all. So she pushed herself away from me, from the table full of kindly laughing faces, and away from that night of seductive shadows. She pushed herself away with a snapped “Good night” and fled down the hallway. The moths flitted after her, drawn by the dying heat between her and me. She pushed herself away, and locked herself away in her room, alone and wondering. And I sat outside, with my laughing happy friends and felt myself seized by the oddest mixture of rage and sadness and lust and loneliness.
I remember us, and our canted postures, our breaths doing what our mouths wished to, our hands finding reasons to brush up against each other. It was our last chance for a dance; our last night together before the world intruded and work took us away. And we did nothing. I sit alone now, drinking teas of regret, while she walks through her streets, surrounded by friends. I wonder if her thoughts are straying, stumbling their way towards me. I know they are not, why would they? She is a woman that ever will ask “Why”, never “Why ever not?”
But what galls me is my restraint, my petulant insistence that the next move be hers. The things I could have said, the things I should have done, all carefully and brightly wrapped in my mind, of no use now. Just extra clutter in that room we all have in our heads, the room full of things we never said. Mine’s more a mansion than a room now.
It amazes me how much we think we’ve matured, become scarred veterans of this bloody war of the sexes. Then lightning strikes and we’re left just as blind and scared as we were the first time it struck. How pathetic this must sound? How weak and despondent? I’m writing now to turn my face away from the mirror. I don’t need seven years of bad luck. I’m writing because my disgust must not be allowed to ruin the fragile castle of patience and faith I have erected. I’m writing because out in the real world, I feel like a coward of words.
Very moving. I guess most of our life is unlived, most things unsaid. It’s sad and seems silly even. But weirdly enough, I sort of identify with the girl in the story.
I do, say much more in my head than I will ever dare to in real life. Because the world inside my head feels more genuine than anything else around. And I’m scared that bringing my dreams, my inner world to face the mundane, ugly everyday, will essentially be tantamout to exposing them to a merciless, unjustifiably judgmental world where they will lose their magic, their beauty. And then they would cease to be dreams anyway.
Maybe it’s cowardice, maybe it’s just self-preservation. Maybe the real world is not all that real, really.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I enjoyed this post, and speaking as someone who is some years older than you unfortunately those situations do not get easier, but with age comes the fact that you dont care about it in a little while because you know there is always something or someone better around the corner. As my grandmother used to say ” If it is meant to be it will be,God Will provide.”
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I don’t think Arunodayji is “a guy who is just doing any movie that comes his way.” Where did you get that from? Based on the one movie that he’s been in so far? A movie that showed that he chooses movies that he is convinced by, that he believes in?
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Hey Arunji! Long time since I left Big Adda… today I’m back reading all your posts that I missed all these days or rather months… feels good to back and read your posts again… as always amazing writing… soul, mind and heart capturing… thank you for this treat again! Take care… strange as it may sound, missed you and your posts… coz that’s the only thing I do in Big Adda, read your posts… it’s been quite some time since I blogged last… Will be back!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Dear Hemlata, Benita, and Seema - Thanks for continuing to read and appreciate the blog. I’m aware it’s been more than a while since I posted anything, and I’m touched by the comments you’ve posted.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]As for Anonymous - so long as you keep posting anonymously, the spam filter will keep deleting your comments. And although I appreciate the candor of your comments, I really don’t understand your venom towards me. But fair enough, everyone’s entitled to their opinions. “Regret” is a work of fiction, not that it matters to you since you seem quite set in your views about me.
Since you have enough admirers , maybe it would be good for someone else to look at things from another perspective. you should write about how you feel about your journey so far and if it matches the expectations you had about becoming a success or sikander. hope this post is more to your liking and not as hurtful.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]as i had posted earlier, ms patel i dont think mr singh has as much choice in terms of the offers that are coming his way. it was not an insult, it was a fact as the industry is filled with far more appreciated and dare i say talented actors such as shahid,neil,ranbir, etc who are actually in a position to enthrall the audience unlike mr singh who is probably choosing not what he believes in, but whatever scraps are floating about…
[ REPORT ABUSE ]And as I had posted, I’m interested to know what makes you have such an opinion of him.
Other actors may be more popular at the moment, but would you really say that they are necessarily more talented? Maybe they are, but how would you know that? Or is it that they’ve been around for longer and have done more movies?
And when you say that Arunodayji is just doing any film that comes his way, what are you basing that on? In my opinion, Sikander was an unconventional launch, because it was a very meaningful, non-mainstream movie. Wouldn’t that contradict what you’re saying?
Maybe you think Sikander was scrap. But then would you judge Arunodayji’s choice of movies based on one movie (since his other movies, we don’t even know about)?
It’s cool that you’re being so frank, but really, I don’t get why you’re saying what you’re saying. And I think being critical of a person just for the sake of being critical is being a bit unfair. I don’t mean for you to retract your views or anything. Just my opinion
[ REPORT ABUSE ]well miss patel, i doubt i said anything so insulting that i would retract it. in response to your question about how would i know that they are far more talented, i could ask you how do you know that they are not :).as far as mr singh is concerned, since you can type a comment, i m sure you can use google to find out what other movies he is doing as of now. when i said he does not have much choice i meant due to the fact that his first film did not give him the push that it would have if he was as good as you think he was.any film refers to him not having much choice in the type of work he is getting, not him doing a random film such as any one that he had mentioned in an earlier blog. anyway apologies to the five or so fans that i have offended. i will still say what i feel since it is not a crime to be frank. i do not cross any boundaries with my statements as such.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Well now, you two are certainly going at it. Hemlata, I do appreciate the vote of support, but you musn’t let Rajesh’s opinion rile you. It’s valid and true. In his vast experience in the industry, he knows exactly which films to do and which to avoid. He’s such a great auditioner that he gets every part he ever tries for, and even in his first year in the industry, the big producers and directors were begging him to act in their films. He never had to really make a fresh beginning in a fresh town without knowing anyone. His talent was so awesome everyone knew he had arrived before he even got off the train. He realized immediately that he would only do great films, and he was so talented that even in his apprentice years he could read a film script and realize that despite bad marketing and odd editing which films would become great. In fact he was being compared to Marlon Brando after just his first cameo. So don’t get offended by him, we mere mortals couldn’t understand what drives a man with such an abundance of experience and talent in the craft of filmmaking. We must settle for the “scraps” we find, as he so rightly put it.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Hahahaahha! Loved that comment Arunji! Wow! Cool! Way to go! No problemo… let the venom keep coming… u have nothing to lose…
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Point taken, Arunodayji. I should have known. Ah, the mistakes of a mortal mind
[ REPORT ABUSE ]now that was the type of answer that i was looking for. of course i am not as experienced as an insecure/frustrated individual who fumbles in hindi while talking about selling tickets.my point was not about whether the big producers were lining up, my point was that people who actually made an impact in some form were actually offered better projects, while some individuals who got a nice lolly pop from the “critics” and a pat on the back are left to act in ”good meaningful films” . i thought that all your time at being an actor abroad or your time spent doing theater would have helped you become more intelligent but that doesn’t seem to be the case. when you talk about making a fresh start in a fresh town, i m sure you must have faced so many difficulties especially because of your elite lineage. when you compare me to someone else, just remember that you are out there with a lot at stake , while i m just an insignificant individual commenting on a future ‘’star”.well at least you have politics to fall back on just in case. i ll just continue with my business as regular people have to do. best wishes.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Rajeh, do not understand your point
However would like to clear few things for you:
Arun is an extremely intelligent individual, the kind of guy who gets into the IIT’s & IIM’s without much effort, get double promotions, tops the class, etc etc Had he taken any other profession he would have been extremely successful. Getting into the film business is a tough one as it depends a lot on luck.
Choice of movies it takes time to get to the stature of aamir khan so give him time
as for what parents dude, lets face it we all benefit from that, had we be born to slum parents would we be doing what we do maybe not. Dont forget tushar kappor, fardeen khan, hurman all are flops even after having star parents.
As for his hindi, boss ask him what kind of hindi people around him speak, i guess you may struggle to understand….
give him time and relax whats the big deal
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Before you blame others Rajesh stop and remind yourself… you are not perfect. And I don’t see y on earth r u so bothered about Arunji’s career… that’s for him, his family and his friends to decide. Acting is a passion and every individual has the right to decide what role they wanna play… and I find Arunji’s role much more challenging and worth doing than run behind heroines around a tree singing songs and doing all mushy-wushy stuff!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]so you are justifying one persons ”masterful” command over the language by saying that its okay since others are just as bad ? that is a very good argument..really works. mr sharma i am glad that you know mr singh so intimately. it almost seems like you were typing it out for him as he dictated his achievements to you. no doubt he may be an extremely intelligent individual,too intelligent for someone like me. anyway it is time for the fans to massage his ego while i shall get back to work.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]okies…so youve listened to saner advice and are back where u really belong.Whehuuuuuuuu,welcome back.my aunt was right when she said that there is aPaulo Coelho feel in your writes…cant say what exactly but there is…maybe the intensity of feeling..just moments in life…the supossedly calloused view,tho’ hurting inwards ..i love it all.Do keep writing .Its one of the biggest pleasures on an generally inane/insane existence on bigadda(with due apologies).
[ REPORT ABUSE ]damn these squablling nannies…this is a writers platform ….Arunoday we just love ur writes .for the seekers of this form of art ure a boon enuf.the rest can wait.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Enjoyed the post…. and enjoyed what followed a wee bit more….. cudn’t agree more with Deepti…..this is a writer’s platform….. n you write amazingly well…. no one can take that away from you….. n whether it is writing or acting… or any form of art…. it is self satisfying….if you got your pleasure doing it….. nothing else matters….. !! So keep following your heart…. for your journey has just begun . All the very best !!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I liked your post. Beautiful words that the mind reaps is the product of a well nourished soul.
[ REPORT ABUSE ]I think its lucky for us that the “lightening” leaves us blind as much as the first time, no matter how many times we have faced the war of the sexes. Its an amazing feeling - the undercurrent, the desire, the heart pounding hard against the wall of our chest. Just the presence of that person has that effect. How would it be if we become used to it and are deprived of this magical effect? Its not cowardly nor immature. Its you, its me, its us…cheers!
great to read …its first time im reading a blog like this…its really moving…thanx a lot for the blog….
[ REPORT ABUSE ]Hi
First day at Big Adda …loved what u have written.And i totally connect with the feelings that u went through in the blog.I know for sure what that means and how one feels in a situation like this.But u know what i have an unwritten rule now for myself …relations for me are bigger and important than my ego…so I just forget everything else …insult ,anger ,hate ,envy ,mistrust,ego …if these feelings are confronted with my relations.I always choose relations over everything else…the relation might not have been the best one but still it was a relation.
Cheers !!!
[ REPORT ABUSE ]